Let's just say almost 8 weeks post mastectomy, an emergency surgery 4 weeks after that and I still have a drain in. Just one, but one drain is still enough to keep me on the sidelines yet. I was hoping to be back in business 4 to 6 weeks out from the first surgery, this has most definitely NOT gone according to plan. Yes I'm cancer free and get to live, just didn't picture my getting to live to include a tube hanging out of my side and being sidelined for this long. Go figure. And yes, I know it's not permanent, but it still pisses me off. A little more on the detour further down in this read, for now, just sharing some thoughts from the recent weekend and being sidelined.
My friend Rhonda is doing her first half Ironman in July and raising money for Stand Up to Cancer, very cool and very personal for her for more reasons than are related to me. Late last summer, early fall we had talked about doing it together in the year that we both turn 40, but as of late October last year I wasn't going to be able to do it this summer. Obviously, right. She asked if I wanted her to wait for me, but I told her to go ahead without me. And I truly do feel that way. This past Sunday, she did her first Olympic distance tri in prep for her 70.3. I woke up pretty early and texted her good luck, she's got this, all that fun stuff. And then a few things hit home for me on Sunday morning. My drain had twice as much as what has been normal in it, I spilled syrup (I'm not kidding, I hate sticky stuff, go ahead and laugh), Rhonda was racing, I melted a cutting board to the top of a pan (duh, feel free to laugh again, we did) and I watched Ryan clean some windows in the kitchen. Within an hour of when I woke up I had tears twice, you know how it's just one more thing that sort of sets you over? Well that was me, so totally discouraged by the drain and knowing that I can't even go for a run or a bike ride, let alone race right now. I also know that I have so been missing working out, racing not so much, but all the excitement and nervousness that surrounds racing and pushing yourself? With Rhonda racing, I so felt that loss...again, I know I'm lucky and that it is only temporary, but it still sucks! And of course, I'm so so so happy for her that she felt good about her race, it was really fun to have that race recap phone conversation to hear all about it. Crying over spilled syrup? Lame, but I so did. Ryan was kind enough to clean it up for me, his kindness is one of my favorite things about him. For the record, I like to eat syrup on french toast and pancakes, but have an extreme dislike of sticky stuff. And, the windows thing? Well I can't clean windows yet, I clearly didn't when I was able either. So totally grateful that Ryan did that for me, they SO needed it, it really was just a reminder that there are still things I can't do.
I do not like being physically unable to do anything or someone telling me I can't do something. Yeah, pretty sure this surprises no one, sort of a common theme here. Then I get a reminder in some form or other that things could be worse and remind myself that I'm one of the lucky ones with an infinite list of people, experiences, things to be thankful for. I will live to race, run, bike, wash windows, do yard work, swing golf clubs, play catch, etc another day. Maybe I just needed a reminder to live a thankful life? I guess it wasn't enough to be thankful to have eyelashes to curl, eyebrows to wax, hair to cut or legs to shave. Well, message delivered. I had a few other dingy mishaps during the day, but you know what? With the exception of a little time in the morning feeling sorry for myself, once I pulled my shit together, I had a fun day and an overall great weekend with Meg and Ryan. Because really, that's life...picking myself up, relying on others for support or just doing whatever it takes to keep on living and having fun.
I've had a few questions about how I'm feeling so I'm going to give that answer a long whirl just in case you didn't catch my drift above. It's so bizarre because physically I feel well, for the most part, I really do! Well enough to be running, biking, weeding, cutting the grass, vacuuming, washing windows (!) etc, but the reality is much different. I wonder if maybe that's what I have such a hard time wrapping my head around, just the fact that I feel physically able but am still unable. And that's not all...although once again, fair warning, I'm going to border on TMI. A few weeks ago I looked in the mirror and took a good look at what not working out has done to my muscles. My arms, shoulders, back are faring just ok, bottom half, not so much. And my core was never something to write home about, but 8 weeks ago, it was hell of a lot stronger than it is now. Legs and butt are definitely missing squats, lunges and miles on the road. That's so not a purely physical statement either, that was just in my face as I checked myself out...do I like to look strong and fit? Hell yeah. But I like to FEEL strong and fit more than I like to look it. I guess one begets the other hey? I miss that work and reward, that feeling of sweaty accomplishment. Being able to run farther, lift heavier, bike faster, do more burpees or pushups than I could the week before. I miss that feeling of empowerment I get from pushing myself physically like that. I know my boobs are still a work in progress so that really doesn't bother me, even the scars - and that's the piece I thought I'd have a hard time with. After all, like Dr. Bermas said, Dr. O'Connor is going to make me beautiful and I truly believe that. It's all just another reminder that I'm a continual work in progress. I know I'll earn it back, I just want to be working at it right now. Right freaking now! Maybe the lesson is patience? I guess I'm getting my fair share of lessons in patience right now!
That's the last few weeks in a big nutshell. Lots and lots of different emotions flowing at any given time, but really, we all have that going on, right? Mine are just a little different than I'm use to right now as I get accustomed to my very changing (thankfully) reality. Life is gonna go on whether or not I decide to join in...as when I started this journey, I just don't want to miss out on any of it!
--cancer free and ready to run
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If you are interested, here's a bit about that detour I mentioned.
Meg's last day of school, June 4, I took that minor detour. And I assure you, not by choice. Well, more major than I'd like to admit since I'm still sitting here with a drain in. I woke up with a headache that morning, but didn't think too much of it. I had decided to lay off the ibuprofen and tylenol since the previous few days I had been in quite a bit of pain and was going to lay off. Yeah, so I started getting the shakes and took some anyway. Felt a little better and met a few friends for lunch. Came back home and was working just sitting in my chair shaking. It was 70 degrees in the house and I'm like yeah, something is wrong as I'm sitting here in fleece pants, socks, long sleeves and a blanket on me. I ended up waiting until about 4 to call the doc as I wanted the meds to wear off to see if I had a fever. Yep, sure did, it bounced between 100.5 and 103, not sure why I thought I didn't? Called the plastic surgeon's office and she asked me if my chest was red...I'm like yeah, nope. I still had a drain in my left side at that point, the one in the right side had fallen out, yep fell right out, on it's own two days before. Yes, that was a little freaky.
Anyway, Meg was at an end of year sleep over so I was flying solo at home. Ryan was getting back home from Chicago that night, I was really looking forward to seeing him and maybe going out for dinner. That turned into a trip to the emergency room. Back to my conversation with the nurse, she had the surgeon on the other line and we were going back and forth and we decided that if I got any worse as in couldn't keep down food, the new antibiotics they called in for me, temp got worse or I noticed redness I should go to the ER in GB as that's where Dr. O'Connor was on call that night. Ryan was able to pick up my new antibiotics on his way so I took those and kept them down alright, that was probably about 7. I had the feeling he wanted me to go into the ER earlier than I did, but you know, I like to wait that shit out on the off chance it will go away. We ended up leaving here around 9 after another round of ibuprofen. About half way there I started to feel 100 times better and was like well... They got me all checked in, vitals, all that stuff, talked to the ER doc, they took some blood and called Dr. O'Connor to come in. My white blood cell counts were around 17000, much higher than they should have been. If memory serves in a healthy person it's usually not much higher than 11,500. The crazy thing was the day before I had an oncology follow up and all my blood work was normal. And had also had an appt with Dr. O'Connor for a fill on that Wed too. I was like yeah, this is cool, my chest is starting to resemble something normal. That feeling didn't last long. Dr. O'Connor came in to talk to Ryan and I and said she was going to see if they had an expander that would fit my chest (chest wall width, suppose that kind of makes sense when you think about it) and she was taking me in for emergency surgery that night. She wanted to cut the left side open again, see how it looked, clean it out, put in a new expander and drain tube and sew me back up. I'm like ugh no for real? They ended up taking me into surgery around 3am, Ryan said it took about an hour. She said there was a dead piece of skin about the size of a quarter and Dr. O'Connor thinks that there was a sack of fluid by that skin and when she expanded me that sack ruptured and had bacteria in it. BUT...they didn't know for sure that was the cause, they had to let the cultures grow to make sure I didn't have a staph infection. I had to stay in the hospital until Sunday so the cultures had enough time to grow to tell them how best to treat the infection. I had lots of bags of IV antibiotics flowing until they figured out I could be treated with oral antibiotics, finally late Sunday morning I was on my way home! Made it all the way to Ryan's and took a two hour nap. And to add insult to injury, I walked around for two weeks with 380ccs in one side and 200ccs in the other. That was fun. Not really, but it was temporary. That's some exciting shit to get the one side filled back up to match the other! It's the small things. Ha.Ha.Ha.
It was a bummer of a weekend as it happened on one of my favorite weekends of the summer, the Freedom softball tournament. I was so excited to be at our hometown tournament and get to watch Meg play and hang out with my friends for the weekend. Yeah, not so much. Ryan was kind enough to put his life on hold for the weekend to be there with Megan. Nicky facetimed me when Meg was up to bat and Ryan and others kept texting me updates so at least I didn't totally feel like I was missing out. Nope, I lied, still did. The girls took the championship and I was (am) thankful to have cool peeps like that take over for me. There's that thankful thing again eh?
I think Isiah has some syrup he can share with you... While sitting on your lap. :)
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