The time has come to hopefully put the physical part of this journey in my rear view and put humpty back together again. I have my "bilateral breast tissue expander removal and placement of gel impants with nipple reconstruction and fat grafting" surgery tomorrow. Yeah, 5 days from my fortieth birthday, happy birthday to me, eh? I gave some thought to waiting another week for the surgery but figured I really just want it done as soon as I can.
Here's what I know. Surgery is scheduled for 3.5 hours and is an outpatient surgery. Sounds like many times, some surgeons don't want to do all three of those things in the same surgery, but I'm getting it done. Yes, surgery is a little longer and recovery probably a little longer, but I'm getting it all done at once. For me, that's a worthwhile trade off. Initially the plastic surgeon said she likes to wait 4 months to do the reconstruction, as she wants to give the skin a good chance to recover. Mine is 4 months minus one day. That's right, overachiever right here. I'm hopeful that one year out from diagnosis (I think Oct 28, but need to look! Or maybe not look and just go with it.) I'll be feeling great and enjoying my new look. So, the surgeon orders a range of sizes of implants (and types too) and they test them out in me before deciding on what to go with. I guess there are models of the implants, like surgical tools only not a tool but an implant model. They cut me open, slide one in, staple me up and SIT ME UP WHILE I'M SLEEPING so they can see which size/shape looks the best. Yes I did ask how they keep me from falling while they sit me up! Turns out they strap my arms down and put a belt around my waist and sit the whole table up to 90 degrees and take a good look. They take the one that looks the best, slide out the model, clean out the pocket and put the read deal in. Oh yeah, hopefully they aren't as hard as these expander things...these babies are like rocks. Meg likes to poke at them and be like um mom your boobs are hard and remind me that I can't hug her too hard or it hurts. Heehee. Ryan said he's going to walk into the hospital with me wearing the gopro on the chesty and ask Dr. O if she can wear it during surgery. Haha. Although I bet it would be pretty funny to see. Sort of! Then I guess she takes skin from my bikini line to build nipples and then lipos the fat out of my midsection to put around the top of the implant to help with shape. I picked my midsection for the lipo...you get to pick, sounds like midsection and thighs are the most popular spots to choose from. Wasn't a hard choice for me:). She said she takes a bunch out and throws away what she doesn't use. I'm definitely curious to see if I'll be able to tell. Have I mentioned that I'm slightly excited to be getting something out of this whole shitty ordeal??
Sounds like the liposuction site is likely going to be the most sore. Dr. O'Connor said it feels like a really bad bruise for a couple of weeks. When she takes the fat cells out she replaces them with a fluid which will dissipate over the next couple of weeks. It will dissipate quicker if I regularly wear the compression girdle they put me in during surgery. Ok not sure about you, but I'm trying to picture the surgical team putting a girdle on me while I'm passed out cold and strapped to a table. Seriously. It is kind of funny, no? Sounds like after the first week or so I'll be able to wear my workout compression clothes rather than this girdle thing.
The other thing is this whole nipple thing. I guess I have these bolster like things over them for the first week so hold the skin down to assist in new blood vessels forming. Kind of ewww, but that's what I've gathered and I'll deal. No lie, wondering if I'll look like I have big block looking boobs for the first week. Sounds like those will come off at my first follow up appointment on Sept 11. The girls might still be wondering why I'm even getting nipples...they seem to think the idea of going with no bra is better than having nipples? What do they know, eh? Well, they do kind of have a point, but I want to just feel normal again, so I'm getting them. Oh and no full body showers while I've got the bolsters. I can take a shower for my lower half and I guess wash my hair in a sink, but no full showers for a week. Ewww. Can't imagine how good that first one will feel after those bolsters are off. And hopefully drains out too, a girl can hope anyway. Maybe now's a good time to be thankful for that short, easy to wash in a sink hair??
I'll be back on limited duty for a few weeks again. And woohoo I get to have drains again, oh yeah, just mentioned that. Ugh. So not looking forward to that. She did say they shouldn't be in as long. Sounds like the amount of drainage is directly related to how much of the skin surface area is impacted. Less surface area disturbed with this surgery, apparently cutting out breast tissue is pretty disruptive. Go figure. Maybe I'll get lucky and just have the drains a week or two. Time will tell.
How am I feeling about the whole thing? Anxious and excited for sure and not looking forward to just dealing with the aftermath of it all. I was just telling Ryan that I hate the disruption to my life. I guess in the grand scheme of things, yeah I get to live and it's only another day and a few weeks but still sometimes I feel like what the fuck. Seriously. I get to live but still what the fuck. Oh that feels kind of good to say. This light duty and not being able to lift more than 10 lbs? Dislike. Can't vacuum? Dislike. Drains. Ugh. Not that I've been working out much, but not being able to work out for a few more months? Ugh. I am SO ready to get back at my classes, running, push ups, whatever the heck I feel like! Perky boobs? Woohoo. Liposuction? Bring.it.on. Nipples? Eh, I'm going to be glad I did. The anxiety kicks up when I'm rolling solo and not running 100 miles a minute. Happened tonight as soon as I sat down from a night of running. I know this is when it hits me and it sucks, but I can deal. Plus, remember those muscle relaxers/anti anxiety pills? Ha.ha. I think I'll have no problem sleeping tonight, but it gives me a little comfort to know that I have one if I need it.
Today I had a follow up with my oncologist. That wasn't anything too exciting. Mostly a few labs, how are you feeling and is your body and mind tolerating the tamoxifen alright. That'd be my 6 month post chemo check up. 6 months? Seriously? In some ways it feels longer and in some ways shorter. I had to go in for labs last week - in addition to whatever labs they always do they also did a blood test to see if my ovaries are functioning. Currently they are non functioning and this makes me so so happy. I hope they never come back to life. Never. Ever. If they show signs of life, they are a coming out. Because my tumor was mildly estrogen receptive, anything that produces estrogen in my body puts me at an increased risk for recurrence. Supposedly this tamoxifen that I'm on, besides causing hot flashes (SO use to the hot flashes and they aren't as terrible as I thought they'd be so all my pre-menopausal friends, rest easy) is suppose to help keep my ovaries not working. As much as I really don't want to think about another surgery...those fuckers can come right out and I won't be sad to see them go. Thankfully after today's appointment I can delay that surgery. I'll go back in another 6 months to get checked again, Dr Philips will feel my legs for swelling and listen to my heart beat. For real, and ask me how I'm feeling.
It sort of feels like the beginning of the end and that is a lovely feeling. Lovely. Finally. It makes me quite emotional to think back to when I started this journey and all that's happened since. Not only all that's happened medically, but also all that I continued to do while fighting. I might have missed a beat or two here and there, but I'm so glad I didn't shut down and not live my life. Not that I really had a choice in the matter! It seems so long ago but not really. It's bizarre. At the onset, the road just seemed SO fricking long, I just had to take it day by day, week by week and lean on the people around me. Now it's more like month by month and I'm still doing my fair share of leaning. Thank you to so many of you for letting me do that, so very grateful.
I'm curious to get the physical part of the journey behind me and get a clearer view of the emotional and mental carnage left behind by this fight. Rest assured, there is some, I'm just not quite sure what that is yet. I'm hopeful that it's minimal, but know that I've been impacted. Maybe it's little things? Ryan and I went to the Drift Inn for dinner a few weeks ago. That's the
place we went for lunch after I got THE call. I was just telling him the other night, I can't go there now and
not think about that day. Which is ok, I'm still going to go there because they have great burgers and chili and I love to eat and really why would I let something like that stop me? I don't get a knee jerk reaction to cry or
anything, but it is a reminder. A reminder of not only the oh shit moment of that fateful morning's phone call, but also a reminder of how good it felt to be out and about despite just having gotten that call. Good job Ryan on drying my tears and getting me off that couch and to the Drift Inn that day. Thank you. Like you keep reminding me, we got this.
So yeah, tomorrow is kind of a big deal for me. I'm off to go kiss my sleeping kid good night again and hope for a good night's sleep and a successful surgery tomorrow!
-- cancer free and almost perky :)
He he. I love your writing. :)
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