So, it's been a while and I sometimes wonder what to write about that is worth sharing. Well today I read an article that made me feel like I had a few things to share. Go figure huh?
But, I'm starting with this pink bracelet thing. Shortly after I was diagnosed my mom brought probably 100 of those pink stretchy breast cancer awareness bracelets for really anyone that wanted one. Well, Ryan put one on and didn't take it off until just a few weeks ago. Literally did not ever take it off. Over the course of the year we'd talked a few times about how long he would wear it. He thought that once my final surgery was done and I was given the all clear to resume normal life that he would take it off. That day came and a few days later I said hey, are you going to take off that bracelet? I actually thought it'd be cool to do something sort of ceremonial. Yeah, I'm a dork like that! Anyway, he thought about it a minute and said no, I'm not ready yet. Fast forward about three months, I think all the kids were around and we were sitting around some of us (girls) wrestling perhaps, and he turned to me and said ok, I'm ready. Nothing ceremonious, just was like ok you are good now and I am ready. And you know what? It was time. Nothing ceremonious about it. He handed it to me, I stuck it in my purse so I wouldn't lose it and now it's sitting on my desk. Sometimes buried under papers or a notebook and sometimes in plain sight. It doesn't bother me to see it, it's more of a reminder of how much we've conquered over the past 15 months. I'm not sure how long I'll keep it or what I'll do with it, but for now it's a sentimental and happy reminder.
I'm part of a facebook group for young breast cancer survivors of the Fox Valley. Around my last chemo treatment one of the nurses gave me the card and said hey you might be interested in this. And it has been interesting. It's a bit disheartening to see how fast the group has grown over the last 9 months or so. It was there that I stumbled on a link that someone shared called 17 things no one tells you about breast cancer. I meant to read it the other night but forgot about it and just sat down to read it a bit ago. Maybe I should write my own list rather than discuss someone else's? Hmmm, I might have to give that some thought. Maybe another day. If you want to read it, go here.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/caseygueren/its-more-than-pink-ribbons?utm_term=.jrqnWl5ME#.ilKklXoNG
I didn't identify with some of the items, but 4 of the 17 items struck me more than the others. 8, 11, 16 and 17.
8. Just because someone seems incredibly brave, that doesn’t mean they aren’t also scared shitless.
11. If you have no idea where to start, just ask how you can help.
16. Because sometimes what comes after breast cancer treatment can be the hardest part.
17. Above all, be there for your loved ones living with breast cancer, and remind them of how important they truly are.
Here are my thoughts:
8. Just because someone seems incredibly brave, that doesn’t mean they aren’t also scared shitless.
Hell yes, scary scary scary. Even now when I talk about it, mostly with Ryan, I remember how scared I was but that I wouldn't allow myself to go down that path. Yes, it's ok to be scared, but I was worried it would consume me if I let myself feel like that the majority of the time. So I chose to focus on other things. Plus I had a kid that depended on me. Speaking of which, a few weeks ago she and I were in the car and she told me in her life lessons class that she had to write about two people that inspired her. She chose my mom and I. So of course I proceed to ask her what she wrote and she told me that she admires my mom for being a PA because she wants to go into the medical field some day. And then she told me I was the other one she wrote about. I was like oh, what did you say about me?? I mean right, who wouldn't want to know?!! She said oh I can't really remember. I was like FOR REAL?? I didn't really say that, but did think it. Instead I followed up with asking her if what she wrote about had to do with the fact that I had cancer. She just looked at me and said nope, sometimes I don't even remember that you had cancer. So two things - one, she apparently did remember what she wrote because she remembered that she didn't write about me having cancer, just didn't want to share it and two, how fucking cool is that? I had what is hopefully one of the most challenging years of my life and my daughter appears to have made it through unscathed. Time will really tell but I'm taking this and running with it. I digress...
11. If you have no idea where to start, just ask how you can help.
So true. I'm trying to remember that when I run into a situation where I don't know what to say or how to help. It's more helpful than you know. I never knew what kind of a network of friends I truly had until I really needed them, thought I always suspected that I chose well:). I mean my family, well yeah. Many of you know them and they rock. Every single one of them. I'm just now remembering my brother Aaron...he is notoriously MIA via text/phone. It's like a treat to get to talk to him. Well, once word was out, that guy called me EVERY DAY for like two weeks. EVERY DAY. I couldn't even begin to tell him how much that meant to me. I guess maybe I am now. Sometimes we would talk for a minute, sometimes 10 and he always ended with I love you. Well Aaron, I love you too, more than you know. I remember after chemo on Wednesdays when Ryan had his kids...Jody was usually at his house making dinner. I sure did take advantage of that. I loved knowing that Meg and I would be eating dinner there. One less thing for me to think about and plan for. Having someone go with me to every chemo. And the one where I was going to go by myself, well Ryan, Nicky and Rhonda were not on board with that plan and conspired to figure out someone to go with me, they were not going to let me roll solo. All the girls at the first softball tournament where I was less than a week post surgery. All asking me how I was and asking me how I was doing and lots of questions about the whole ordeal. I remember Kiersten, she had the most questions and was quite inquisitive. Her mom later apologized to me, but I'm like hey, I'm happy to talk about it and I love it when kids are inquisitive. I want those girls to know the real deal and not feel like there's a huge mystery. I digress again I guess.
16. Because sometimes what comes after breast cancer treatment can be the hardest part.
I have mixed feelings on this one. I'm actually loving my life post cancer. But I sort of loved my life even when I had cancer. And before. It's life. Am I scarred? For sure. Am I scared that it will come back? Sometimes. There are other days where I remind myself that the chance of re-occurence for me is like 2% or something. 98% chance that it won't. I like those odds. I think most I appreciate the fact that sometimes I forget that I even had cancer. I really do.
17. Above all, be there for your loved ones living with breast cancer, and remind them of how important they truly are.
I whole heartedly agree. See above, Aaron calling me every day for two weeks. People that were real and said yes this is going to suck but you are going to get through it and we will help you. Love that. People and kids (lots of them) asking questions about the whole thing. Lizzy coming out every night after basketball practice, asking how I was doing, how was chemo that day. Her dad coming out and saying whatever you need, you tell me. Every time. And I tell you, on the way home after practice, I would leave crying happy and thankful tears. The list of things people did and said to show me that I mattered to them, unbelievable.
My tribe.
