I guess I'll start with my last chemo and beyond and break this into two posts. Because really, I am not writing a book and you all know I can get pretty wordy. So my last chemo was pretty amazing as far as chemo goes. I got to ring that fricking bell. RING IT! And hold the sign that said last chemo. And kudos to one of my brother's BF's Brian who didn't have a bell to ring, but also finished his chemo in Cali just last week. Way to go Downey, feels good to be on the road to recovery, eh?
The one chemo treatment that I really wanted Ryan to come with was my very last one so he graciously took the day off to keep me company. And if memory serves, showed up with flowers to mark the occasion:). There was no keeping my mom away either, pretty sweet. So, the three of us roll in to meet with Daisy the oncology NP (super cool btw) and then head out to the infusion room as its called. The room was quite empty, which was a little odd because so many weeks it's craziness in there. As the treatment went on, friends kept showing up. Nicky had planned to pick up Liz and Meg from school to bring them along, little did I know the whole Wesoloski clan came to celebrate, Dave and Wanda too which was awesome. Nolan and AJ found out Meg, Liz, Brian and Nicky were going and were like why can't we go too, so they all got out of school a little early to celebrate. Is there much better reason to miss an hour of school? I think not! My friend Jen and her daughter Olivia, my dad, my friend Serena and her mom Laurel from Point, Neil too. We filled up that pod. As I've mentioned before and will surely again, so much love to go around from people that were there and people that weren't, either way, I'm continually humbled. One family noticeably missing and part of Ryan's family missing, but hey - they were enjoying the fun in the sun down south and I knew they were all there in spirit.
Fox Valley Hematology & Oncology is building a new building off Ballard Road & 41. There was a beam on display for patients and supporters to sign that will go up in a visible spot in the new location. I think quite a few of us signed it, Nolan wanted to sign it right by me, pretty darn cute. That cute little kid doesn't say much sometimes - at least when I'm around, but that little signature next to mine says more than anything.
I would guess by now most of you know I enjoy a good beer or a bloody so we headed to a local establishment to celebrate. My mom brought some awesomely obnoxious noise makers, thanks mom for those! And some really cool hats. Dana and Skyler joined us there too! Jen's Chad too. I would have loved to have a big party, but really not sure when I would have planned such a thing. I'm sorta thinking that 40 is coming up in September and that's usually a good time for a party. And dear Holzhauer family, pretty sure my driveway will fit a Holzhauer sized RV! And if not my driveway, I'll find another suitable location:). And damn, I cannot find that shot of Serena and I, there were lots more happy pictures taken, this is just a few.
On the night I found out I had cancer, Ryan the girls and I all spent the evening together, pretty sure I mentioned this a while ago or even a few times! I remember it like it was yesterday. I was shell shocked. Pretty sure Meg was too. Ryan was like we got this. That night, we had gone to Target to pick out a birthday gift for my nephew Cooper and then to Dick's to pick out breast cancer support tshirts, headbands, socks, really whatever for the girls. They didn't have one in Morgan's size so I had it ordered on my phone before we got home. In many moments, especially in that moment, I was so so glad to have all of us together as it totally, totally brought me comfort. It felt normal. So the night of my last chemo treatment I wanted to have dinner with the five of us just like the journey started.
So, a little hindsight on chemo as it relates to surgery and the rest of this stuff. Chemo sucked, yes it did, but mine was manageable. I think it was also made more manageable by the fact that I went into it fit and determined to not lose all my fitness. Most Fridays I showed up for workout class feeling like I might puke. But I showed up. And always felt better after. Every.single.time. I always wanted to keep up with Chuck and Melissa and Dave said he always wanted to keep up with me. I do know that Chuck kicked my ass, but you know what? These last few months of my workout classes, holy crap, did I gain strength. Way more than I had going into chemo, despite that pesky appendix thing. Physical strength sure thing, to be expected if you push it enough - or let Melissa push you enough! Always a little more surprising to me? The emotional and mental strength from breaking my own barriers. And hanging with my workout class friends. Might as well call it a support group! Heavier weights, yes, why not try. What's the worse that can happen? I have to go lighter, but if I don't try those 25s, I'll never know. Maybe it was just the fact that all I could feel was sore and tired muscles, but whatever it was, it helped. My Wednesday pre-chemo running efforts. Sometimes it was effing cold, sometimes I didn't feel like I had time, sometimes I went short, sometimes, most of the time I went slow, but I fought my way through it just by putting one foot in front of the other. And bundling up and taking walk breaks. And being determined to not let cancer stop me from doing anything I set my mind to. Pretty much every pre chemo run I cried. Cried that I was able to do it, cried that I was counting down, cried just because I'm not sure why. For me, working out makes me feel whole and strong and challenged. I know that's not for everyone, but I think and hope you all have something in you or that you enjoy that makes you feel that way too.
Really just being determined to try to keep my life (Meg's too) as normal as possible...there was no way I was going to miss out on life's fun stuff for 5 months. Really? 5 months of missing out? No effing way. I can't even imagine not having all the memories from the last six months. Memories are what I live for. Would have not wanted to miss out on those 5th grade basketball games and tournaments, Morgan's first basketball season, Taylor's teacher giving her a dirty look for wearing the check yourself shirt, all those girls wearing pink for their first game, Nolan and AJ wanting pink schwings, ski trips, family visits, Sunday morning bacon breakfasts, Sunday Fundays, growing friendships, new friendships, Meg's awesome support group, my mom crying (!), the support from all those 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13 year old girls and a few little boys I would be happy to call my own, support from unexpected places, Mabel's musings in paint, Taylor's musings in chalk, Megan's engagement, normalcy and steadfast support in the whole process, Aaron's daily phone calls for the first week or two, endless snapchats, my entire family's reaching out and checking up on me, Karl's goofy texts, Jody making dinner and me never missing an opportunity for it, Lizzy coming to my car door after every basketball practice and Brian following and my tears following that and this list could go on and on and on so please don't feel bad if I didn't mention something!
Amazingly in the few weeks since chemo ended, my energy totally rebounded. Even though there were a few around me who could tell my energy wasn't what it had been pre-chemo, I felt pretty good about my energy during chemo. Well...holy crap, being done a week or two was a whole new level. It was just a few of little things that I noticed. Less blowing my nose in the morning, less watery eyes, sweating more during work outs are just a few of the things that come to mind. And holy crap, my hair is growing back. It's more gray than before - or platinum if you see it in the right bar light and/or a few drinks in your blood system - but seems to be growing back with similar texture. Time will tell, lots of time and I'm sure painful grow out phases, but I've got hair. And I somehow managed to finish chemo with a few eyebrows, few eyelashes and all my fingernails intact. Who knew that chemo can make your fingernails fall off?
I'm curious how I'll feel a few years out from this part of the experience. This part. Because a week out from surgery, I already have had a whole new set of challenges - part 2 to come on this thing! More than likely, it will all just blur together. Related to the chemo, I'm not 100% sure just yet. I guess what I have learned is that mental strength and determination is for real. For real. I think I started to realize it when I started running and racing regularly a few years ago, but not to this level. Anyone that knows me knows that I do not ask for help well. I'll just do it. I'll just suck it up. I'll just hold it in and figure it out as I go. And this has forced me to ask for help - and still not always in a graceful manner. Maybe not graceful at all! And honestly, I think mostly help with emotional support. For me, I think that's the hardest kind of help and support to ask for. I'm humbled that kind of support comes at me when I feel most vulnerable. I sure hope it's not because of cancer, but I look forward to my opportunities to give it forward just as people have given to and continue to support me along my journey.
Continually humbled,
p
Part 2 forthcoming...the anxious build up to surgery and what's followed in the week or two after.
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