IDFG and since its my story, that's what I'm going with!

Holy cow, my last post I had 13 chemo treatments to go.  Guess its been a while because as of now, 5 to go, after tomorrow 4!!  Single digits.  Count on one hand.  About effing time, eh?  Here's a little update.  Which probably won't be so little because when I get started I kinda have a lot to say!

So, this second round of 12 chemo treatments has been much easier to tolerate than the first four.  Looking back, those first four sucked.  A lot, I just didn't let myself think that as I was going through it, well maybe a little.  I remember when I had just finished the third round and had one more of the hard ones to go I told myself ok so what if you feel a little nauseous for the about three of the next four weeks.  At least there's one week in there where you'll feel ok!  Choosing to focus on the good.  And there was and still is lots of good, even better than good.

A few things to note about this round of chemo.  I still get a bunch of pre-meds and it still takes a while, probably about four hours or so.  One of the pre-meds I get is a nice big dose of IV Benadryl.  This drug has the potential to cause allergic reactions so they give it as a precaution.  At least that's what I remember them telling me.  The first couple of times I was like um I'm seeing funny and feel like I'm slurring my speech.  You'd think I'd have asked about that sooner, but yeah, nope, not until about the third time and the nurses were like oh that's the Benadryl.  I was like I feel like I've got a good buzz going on.  One of the first times I took a pretty unflattering selfie and thought hey, maybe I'll send this to my boyfriend.  For real.  Now as soon as I feel the buzz, I just automatically take a dorky selfie and send it on over to him.  Last week there was an older lady sitting across from me, accompanying her friend, and she stopped by to say she thought it was cute I was taking selfies in the cancer chair.  Can you say dork?!  Me, not the friendly lady.

One of the other pre-meds they give me is a steroid - I guess when it accompanies the anti nausea meds it makes those more effective and also helps with any allergic reaction.  A few weeks ago when I was there with Ryan I finally asked the NP why I get so effing emotional the second night after chemo.  She was like oh that's the steroid.  I'm like um guess I could have asked that sooner too.  Daisy, the NP (she's super cool), said oh I'll lower the dosage to help curb that.  So, it's been two times that I've had lower steroid dose, interestingly the nausea has crept back in a little the Friday after Wednesday chemo.  But hey I'm not bawling my eyes out on Thursday night!  Lesser of two evils?  Remember how I hate that emotional crap, its exhausting.  So I'm going to stick with a little nausea that I can take a pill for.  And, really its only a few days of my life in the grand scheme of things.  I got this.  Plus I tell myself that I'll sweat out the nausea at Power Hour on Fridays.  Or I'll puke, but Power Hour kind of pushes the limits of potential pukage anyway!

Neuropathy is one of the major side effects that can happen with this chemo drug.  Many times they will stop treatment early because it can potentially be a crippling side effect to deal with after cancer.  Sounds like many people start to feel it about mid way point in the treatment.  I think I've fared well where this is concerned, so far anyway.  Fingers crossed that continues!  About 24 hours after my initial treatment this round I had this crazy feeling in my fingers.  I was seriously like what is going on, it was like they were numb and hurt.  I called the nurse and was like was it because I just had a beer with dinner?  For real I sure did ask that.  And in my defense, they never said I couldn't drink.  Anyway, they recommended some pill called Nerve Renew so ever since I've been taking that.  But, after that initial time, I really haven't had neuropathy too bad.  I've noticed it comes on in my feet during and after my workout class and when I'm driving.  It typically goes away pretty quick, thankfully.  I asked Daisy last week and she said since I'm doing a lot of pounding to my feet during workout class that its hard on the nerves.  Love her though, she never once said I should stop!  Said it just irritates the nerve endings.  That I can deal with.  And driving, because I'm sitting in the same position it could put a little more pressure on the nerves since I'm sitting.  I suppose, since during the day when I work I'm up and down quite a bit.  It's interesting because every time I go they ask about the neuropathy and I'm always like well its not bad and it goes away.  As I say that, it's been a little more persistent in the last 24 hours.  Yes mom, I noted it and will tell them tomorrow! :)

My fingernail beds hurt for a few days after chemo.  It is the strangest feeling.  Makes it really hard to open a can of beer.  Or soda.  Now that its been almost a week since my last treatment, they feel pretty good.  Trying to think of other side effects, I'm sure there are some!  I cannot quite push myself as hard as I use to in workout class.  That's frustrating!  I hate it actually.  But I've gotten stronger and gained back some of the fitness I lost during the first four rounds/appendix fiasco.  I'm going with progress since status quo is not enough for me where that's concerned. 

I still get emotional too, just not quite like it was when I started.  Today I was outside shoveling the drive way and started crying.  I'm like WTF, I do like to shovel.  Call me weird, but I really do enjoy it.  At least when it's not below zero!  Back to that crying jag.  Sometimes I think I'm just a jumble of emotions, more than I normally would be and it just hits me.  And it doesn't always happen at opportune times like today.  Oh well, thankfully I have a supportive boyfriend, wing woman, family and friends to unload on.  YDFG, right Marilyn?!  Have I mentioned I hate the emotional roller coaster?  Haha, maybe once or twice.  This shit better not be permanent, just sayin.

I think part of the emotion is due to me trying to wrap my brain around this upcoming surgery.  It is not scheduled yet, but would guess approximately four weeks after chemo is complete is when its likely to happen.  Part of me wants it sooner, but I've got a birthday or two to celebrate in that time frame so I don't really want to be laid out.  I was going to use the word fileted, but that didn't seem quite right.  Ha!  At least I can laugh about it at the moment.  Plus, I can use that four weeks to hit all sorts of classes, running and hopefully biking - OUTSIDE!  Build up some muscle and endurance before I sit on my rear for a few weeks. 

But for real, having part of my body cut out/off, however you want to put it, is a little off setting.  I know so many people have gone through it before me and I know I'll get through it, but damn if I really just want to put it in my rear view.  I think I'm most scared the effect it will have on my confidence while the reconstruction process is underway.  I hate even saying that out loud.  Or writing it as the case may be.  Not that my boobs are that great - especially since one of them is trying to kill me, but they're mine.  Part of me.  Ugh, freaks me out to think about it.  I'll have another consult with the surgeon and the plastic surgeon in the next few weeks so hopefully I can talk through the process, understand it better and that will set me a little at ease.  A girl can hope anyway.  Like I said before, some semblance of a plan tends to set me at ease.  Just need to have a plan and appropriate expectations going into it and that's probably about as good as I'm going to get with this one. 

Chemo is only half this battle and I'm about 3/4 of the way through that. The other half still looms.  Well, I'm sure there's probably more than two halves, I'm just don't know it yet.  But like Ryan keeps reminding me, bumps in the road.  We got this. I got this.  IDFG.

I cannot sign off without thanking you all for the encouragement and a few pics from our latest adventure.  The chemo accompanists, the offers to accompany me to chemo, the texts, calls, cards, the you're doing great comments, etc.  Much appreciated!

Captured this shot of Meg who had just worked up the courage to take on the chair lift, so proud of her, she was SCARED!  Although she didn't want to ride with her mom..she wanted to ride with Ryan first.  Probably a smart move.  And she must have been on her knees or something when I took this pic, since she's almost as tall as I am.

 

Things 1, 2 and 3 riding the lift up together.  Good stuff!

Chemo #3 down, only 13 to go...

Sometimes I totally struggle with what to write about.  There's so much going on, but never quite sure how much to share!  Figured I'd share a little chemo update and what it's like.  Now that I've got 3 under my belt, I've found a little consistency with what to expect.  At least I think so.

First of all...I am continuously humbled by this whole experience and my huge community of friends and supporters.  I wasn't sure of the right word to use to describe this feeling until I was relaying these thoughts to Nicky and she used the word humbled.  She is so right!!  From my workout friends and instructors at the Y, Megan's friends snap chatting me asking me how I'm feeling and rocking the power in pink gear, to my friends near and far, not to mention Ryan's and my families.  Not sure if that's correct grammar or not, but whatever:).  A thank you to all of you doesn't seem like enough!  I'm weepy anyway, just thinking about it makes me tear up. 

Second...the tumor is rapidly shrinking, it is kind of amazing.  Still thankful that my cancer is treatable, even if the road to get healthy will not be the most fun I've ever had.  Remember?  I get to live.  And perky boobs to boot. 

Oh and a little appendix update - finally, finally, finally four weeks later, the pain in that upper incision is starting to go away.  Woot woot.  I am so looking forward to attempting to get back to working out more than once or twice a week and incorporating strength and core strength in.  Damn it that I can tell that four weeks of no core strength work has taken its toll!  Definitely time to get back at it.  Figure I've got three to four months of some good workouts ahead of me before I have surgery and will need to take another break.  Might be a while before I attempt push ups after that one!  I'm hoping that I feel good enough to get back to a class at the Y after the first of the year.   

I was so dreading the last two chemo treatments that I decided to treat myself to a mani or pedi on chemo day.  Definitely wanted something to look forward to on those days so figured it'd be totally worth the investment!  Plus its nice to have pretty nails. 

So, chemo.  It doesn't hurt, but leaves an icky taste in my mouth, actually makes me want to gag just thinking about it! Its so strange to me to have that much of a physical reaction to something that happened days ago.  I actually had to take a break from writing and thinking about it.  Anyway...so glad that I had the port put in, I've watched a few people have to get their IVs removed and put back in a different spot in the middle of their treatments and I'm glad it isn't me.  The port was definitely worth the outpatient surgery even though the first few days after sucked! 

I get there and first thing they do is jab a needle in the port, hurts just bit, like a shot and then take some blood for labs.  Maybe jab isn't the right word, poke?  They check my white blood cell count, endocrine functions and a whole host of other things.  The only reason I know for sure endocrine functions is that Nancy the NP told me to lay off the alcohol after chemo #2 since my liver enzymes were a tad high.  Ha!  She attributed that to the post appendix surgery pain medication, which I get.  But I really don't like it when someone tells me not to do something.  Go figure.  Oh and last time I had to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test.  I'm like what?  For real?  I guess now every time I go, I get a pregnancy test.  And here I am just waiting for my ovaries to shrivel up and die!  I get the labs done and meet with the nurse practitioner for a quick exam and to talk about how I'm dealing with it all.  Last time I had to fill out a survey thing and one of the last questions was whether or not I am severely depressed...my sister and I laughed because they apparently only want to know if I'm severely depressed, I guess they just assume that everyone is a little depressed.  Truth be told, really only the Thursday after a Tuesday chemo would I even say I was feeling down.  Two days after is the worse.  I'm not sure if its due to the shot I get the day after or a combination of the shot and the chemo, probably both. 

Anyway, continuing on, after I meet with the NP I head out to the chemo room.  Its kind of a wide open space with lots of reclining chairs and the IV tower thingies.  If its like last time I wait for that darn pregnancy test to come back, negative mind you, because remember those ovaries dying (?), and then they can start the drip.  I think they start with anti nausea meds, a steroid and then the tumor killing shit.  Funny fact...the very first time I met with the NP before my first chemo treatment she suggested I mention to the chemo nurses that they make sure to give me the steroid drip slowly or else it would burn my butt hole.  Her words.  I laughed and I sure did relay that story to the nurses on the chemo floor. Anyway, after the first two bags, I wait 30 minutes and actually get two chemo drugs this time around for the first four treatments.  The first one is some red shit that makes me pee red at least once after the treatment.  You know it, more TMI.  The second drug is I don't know what its called but it takes a half hour to drip into my veins.  After that I'm done but the fun is just beginning.  That whole process takes about 4 hours.

Right after chemo and for most of the day after I feel pretty good.  The next few days are not really that fun.  I get pretty tired and feel pretty nauseous.  I'm in bed by 8 or 9 then next two or three nights.  I can manage it ok by taking and staying on top of the anti nausea meds, but I just feel crummy.  This past Friday I actually chaperoned a field trip for Meg.  It was 3 days after chemo and even though I was nervous about how I'd feel, Meg really wanted me to do it so I agreed.  It was actually a lot of fun, besides the bus ride:).  Felt good to be outside in the fresh air listening to a bunch of fifth graders jabber on and on.   And I got to see one of my favorite kids!  Thankfully my work schedule and the people I work with are very accommodating so if I feel the need to take a break and grab a quick nap, I do. 

The day after chemo I have to go back to the hospital and get a shot called Neulasta.  Its a shot that boosts my white blood cell count since apparently chemo kills my body's ability to produce them.  The shot goes into my left arm and for two days after, makes my upper body and arms from the elbows up really sore.  Like a really hard workout, sore and sore to the touch.  Its a bizarre feeling.  I've heard lots of stories about people having bone aches, but aside from the soreness for a few days, I think I fare pretty well.  The third night after chemo, when I have it on Tuesday, I am talking Thursday night, I literally get up to pee every two hours.  Time to flush all those fluids out of my bod.  And thankfully I have no trouble going back to sleep.   

After this next chemo, I wait two weeks and then I start my weekly treatments for 12 weeks.  Supposedly these are easier to tolerate so hopefully all goes well.  These next treatments supposedly make me sleepy as they start out the drip with some Benadryl.  Can't remember why, guess I'll hear the story again before that first treatment. 

I could actually go to chemo solo, but so many of you have offered to take me so it'd be crazy to face it alone, right?  One of the things I've figured out is that I don't even really need to take a bag full of stuff to do for a few hours.  It's been awesome to sit and visit with whomever is taking me.  I even learned something new about Rhonda when we were breaking the chemo rules and walking to the cafeteria unassisted!  The nurse later told us that isn't really acceptable behavior and even though she was cool with it, other nurses might not be.  My sister and my mom, was just awesome to have some undivided time just to catch up.  Although I am definitely not looking forward to the next treatment, besides the fact that it is getting me healthy, I AM looking forward to hanging out with Nicky for a few hours.  And getting our nails done.  Again, humbled by people putting their daily lives on hold and making time to take care of me. And if any of you know me well enough, I have a hard time letting people take care of me!  I am learning.

All in all, I feel like I'm faring well in the grand scheme of things.  It's not always fun, but it is what I have to do to get healthy.  I've been starting to think about the surgery that comes after chemo, but one thing at a time.  My mom keeps reminding me, short term pain for long term gain...and she is right!  Hear that mom?  You are right:)!  I mean, I might have told you that a time or two before already.   Over the past few years, I've been very fortunate to get second, third and now fourth lease on life.  How many can one girl get?!!

My hairless, apendixless life...and you know what? Still pretty awesome!

So a lot has happened in a few weeks!  I lost an organ, cut my hair short, purchased a few wigs, lost some hair and shaved it all off.  Oh and I had my first chemo treatment!  One down, 15 more to go.  There's probably enough there for another post though so I'll save that for a later date.  And that exclamation point at the end of that was perhaps a little generous. Oh and before I forget - because this could be another blog post as well and just might well be - THANK YOU for all the support in the form of kind words, cards, facebook messages, posts, etc, really any and all correspondence that I've received, hospital visits, high school friends showing up for the turkey trot, gifts, offers to take me to chemo apts, help with Megan, Belle, shoveling, plowing and much more.  You can ask Ryan - I am absolutely overwhelmed by all of it, in a positive manner of course. 

Let's start with the hair - or lack there of.  Morgan, I and my closely shaven head set out on a maiden voyage to WalMart a couple of hours ago.  Morgan thinks I can rock it and didn't care if I had a hat on or not.  I am inclined to agree with her since it is my head and all.  I was like what the heck, WalMart is the perfect place to give this look a try.  I forgot to grab my green and purple eye liner from home so we figured we'd go grab some while Taylor and Ryan picked out a Redbox movie.  One of the first nights that Ryan and I were together with all three girls I had on purple and green eye liner, Taylor's astute memory.  They thought it'd be a good look with minimal hair so figured I'd give it a go tomorrow.  Mind you, I <3 Sephora and Ulta so I wasn't quite sure what brands to look for.  I know, snobby right?  But I do love Sephora and I am not ashamed to admit it.  ANYWAY.

Exactly to the date when the oncologist said it would happen, two weeks after my first chemo treatment, my hair started falling out.  Two weeks ago I decided to go get my hair chopped off, I've had short hair before, but it has been a long time.  I've always loved the pixie cut and figured now was the perfect time to take it for a road test.  I liked it!  Betsy did an awesome job as usual!  That and shorter hair left to fall out was a pretty good plan.  Megan was slated to go spend time with her dad leaving Tuesday after school so I had asked her if my hair started falling out while she was gone (returning Sunday) if it was ok that I shave off all my hair while she was gone and she was cool with that.  Thankfully!  Because man, when it started falling out there was NO stopping any of it. 

Jeez, Tuesday seems like so many hairs ago.  When my hair was long, I shed a lot.  This Tuesday business was sort of like that.  I think since my hair has been short, I've washed it every day (YES, EVERY day...for those of you that didn't know, I was one to wash my hair every other day or third day, maybe even stretch it longer) so there was less noticeable shedding.  Tuesday was a definite increase. Wednesday was like um red alert, shit is falling out fast am I going to have enough hair on Thanksgiving to even have cute hair???  I came up to Ryan's Tuesday afternoon to hang out for the weekend (mhmmm my hairy dog and my can't lift over 10 lbs hair losing self) and chillax.  Definitely good planning on my part eh? 

Wednesday I'm working away and I reach up to my head since my scalp felt tingly, scratch a little and notice that yeah my hair comes out with no pulling or pain.  Hmmm.  This is an interesting thing.  Every once in a while I pull some out just to make sure this really is all happening and remind myself of those magazine articles I've read about people that have a syndrome or something where they pull out their hair.  Trichotillomania, just googled it.  I was like oh shit, I better stop this, eventually its going to grow back and I don't need to be pulling at it.  Anyway, Taylor gets home from school and is like what's up?  I show her my new trick and she's kinda like um...  Too polite to call me out on the grossness though.  Morgan gets home and is like oooh can I try?  So I'm like sure, why not have someone else join in on the fun.  I was actually kind of scared to even take a shower on Wednesday and try to do my hair but felt like I might as well try to style it one more time if I can, these days are extremely limited.  That Redken paste might have not been my most brilliant idea, I think the hair mostly just stuck to my hands as I tried to style it. Well or the hair dryer or straightening iron before the paste.  Oh well, I sure didn't need a day with poufy short hair before its all gone. 

Thanksgiving arrives as does this turkey trot that I'm all pissed I can't run in because of that appendix thing.  Whatever.  Ok quick side bar.  My friends Jen and Chad Volz had signed up to do this thing with me/us (Ryan and his girls and niece Haley) which was really cool.  So we meet up before the race and another one of my friends from HS is there with them.  I'm like what the heck is Joanna doing here?!  I had noticed Jen posted something on Facebook about being excited for a sleep over Wednesday night but I didn't think too much about it since I'd ask her on Thursday morning.  Anyway, the sleepover with with Joanna and her daughter Olivia who drove up to visit Jen and Chad and do the turkey trot with us.  How cool was that?!  Seriously, pretty sure I had a frozen tear or two that didn't make it out of my eyes.  Damn weepiness and all.  Was super fun to walk the trot with them and catch up with Jo.  We've been in touch on Facebook, but I don't remember the last time I've seen her. 

After the trot, or walk in my case (yep, still a little bitter), I'm like ok time to brave the shower and see if I can style what hair I have left so it doesn't look like I have too many bald spots.  Many times mopping the hair out of the sink later, I'm like yep that'll do.  I was really looking forward to seeing Ryan's extended family and wasn't too worried about my hair since they all know the story - and are uber supportive at that.  I think the issue was more that I just wanted to feel pretty.  Phew, enough hair, I felt like myself and was good to go.  For the record, I would have been good to go anyway, but always better when I feel good about how I look.  I know, vain right?  Or maybe just writing it feels weird. 

Woke up Friday AM to what I would say was lots of hair on the pillow.  As in more than the lint trap would catch.  Not only that but the pillow kinda hurt my head.  Sort of like if you had your hair in a pony tail all day kind of hurt.  Annoying at best.  Betsy and I had been in a little communication about shaving my hair off and were loosely targeting Friday.  Thank goodness because I had about enough of this nonsense.  Girls were off to go sledding and I was having a bit of a crying jag thinking what the hell.  Well maybe not crying, but a bit weepy?  Heehee.  I am shaving my head today.  Yep, pretty much never thought I'd be doing that.  Oh well.  Also was thinking maybe I'd be better off to head to Betsy's solo, but man would I have been wrong.  Ryan and the girls were more than happy to accompany me.  As was any of my other friends and family - again, love the support - its awesome!

Get to Betsy's and she informs me she got a nice new clippers today and I'm the inaugural clipee.  New word right there.  We were chatting and I was like ok enough chatting, let's get this show on the road.  I thought maybe I'd cry, but having Ryan and the girls there was keeping my mind off tears and they all kept telling me I looked good bald.  Betsy too.  I had no choice but to believe them right?!  Betsy did the bulk of the cutting with Ryan and Morgan each taking a turn.  I missed having Megan there for that moment, but dang I sure wouldn't have wanted to wait a few more days.  All of them kept telling me I looked pretty.  Like some singer from some girl band or something?  I definitely felt some trepidation looking in the mirror afterward, but turns out I have a nice shaped head.  Who knew?  Thank goodness for small miracles eh?  And normal sized ears.  I did tear up on the way home reading the texts from the my family and friends that I texted after pictures to.  For sure.  

Truth be told, I'm a little curious as to what Megan will think when she sees me.  She holds things tight to the vest sometimes so this will be an interesting one to watch her process.  She knows its coming, but I didn't text her a picture yet.  Gonna hold off posting via any of her social media things until she has a chance to see me in person.  I also have a few Megan approved wigs!  Glad I took her with me for the final purchase.  Ended up with one I never would have picked. 

Speaking of wigs - thanks to the awesome stylists at Cali-Sun Salon in Appleton and Jenna and Keith at Keith's Haircenter, I have two sweet wigs to sport.  This is seriously another post in an of itself as well.  Every October, I think Betsy is the main driver of this, the stylists at the salon offer pink hair extensions to their clients and donate all the proceeds from those sales to a cancer patient.  Well, when I went in to get my hair cut two weeks ago Betsy handed me a card.  Rhonda was along for this ride...so I took the card and stuck it in my purse.  Betsy was like aren't you going to open it?  I was like nah, it will probably make me cry.  But she asked so I obliged...I've cried in front of both of them before so what the heck?!  I open it and it has all the proceeds from their October pink hair extensions.  Seriously, I was speechless for a moment.  Yeah - just a moment but speechless nonetheless.  Betsy said she couldn't think of a more appropriate cancer patient to donate the proceeds to.  What a better way to spend the money than on a few fun wigs to get me through the next few months???  Good times.  Oh and Jenna at Keith's Haircenter?  It was scary for me and I can't say enough about how gracious she was to Betsy, Rhonda, Megan and myself while we were there trolling the selections.  Her knowledge was really helpful in making my decisions.  Big recommendation from this girl. 

Ryan could tell you that leading up to any of these new experiences I get a bit anxious and stressed.  Sometimes I talk about it a lot, sometimes not at all.  Sometimes I shed a tear or ten, sometimes not.  Nah, that's not true, a few tears usually flow when I'm anxious and stressed.  I tend to not realize how much I feel it until I feel that sigh of relief that whatever it is, it's over.  Same thing for today.  Anxious and stressed leading up to the shave, followed by a great feeling of relief once it's over.  I mean, I'm not gonna lie.  Its a different look for sure so I still have a little trepidation but no regrets.  Whatsoever.  Plus it wasn't like I could prevent it from happening, eh? 

You didn't think I was going to end this one without a few pics, did you? 

Before shot with Rhonda on the left and Betsy on the right.

Short hair with A, J & photobomber Meg.  Next summer I can have that again!

Morgan taking a turn.

Ryan giving it a go.

Betsy finishing it up!

Photobooth selfie.

Peggy, Betsy, Rhonda wig choice.

Meg's choice.  Kinda fun since I'm not sure my own hair would ever grow this long!

Time to Kick some Breast Cancer Bootay!!

Wow, not sure where to start.  Haven't touched this blog in 2+ years, dang, a lot has changed.  Good thing is I am happier than ever and enjoying life...despite the hand I've just been dealt.  Turns out I have breast cancer as in invasive ductal carninoma.  I was diagnosed on 10/28 and started my first chemo treatment exactly two weeks later, yesterday to be exact.  Two weeks from diagnosis to my inaugural treatment, not bad.  About 6 mammograms, an MRI, ultrasound, biopsies (youch!), one 50 mile relay race, scary phone calls, xrays, IVs, multiple consultations and the list could actually go on.  So many thousands of thoughts have run through my head in the last few weeks.  I'm going to die.  I don't want to die.  Is Megan going to be ok?  Did they say treatable?  Do I get new boobs?  How much downtime am I going to need?  Who is going to manage my life while I figure this out?  How is this going to inconvenience my life?  What about my workouts?  How will the people in my life handle this news?  Is Megan going to be ok?  What about my awesome boyfriend?  What about my fam?  Etc, etc, etc. 

Every song that I would hear took on a different meaning.  OAR's Peace?  For sure.  One Republic I Lived?  Definitely.  WTF.  Pregnancy turned me into a full on weeper.  Suddenly I was tearing up more than normal.  Again, WTF.  I guess I have a lot going on so I'm going with that.  Yep.

I found a lump earlier this year but didn't think much of it.  I'd had an early, but clean mammogram less than a year before and knew that there could be many other reasons to have a lump other than cancer.  Duh.  And admittedly as time went on I noticed it started to change a little.  At that point I was like yep, I need to go in and get this checked out.  I was scared shitless but finally succumbed to the internal pressure and made the appointment.  It was actually Ryan who pushed me...he was heading to the dentist and NOT looking forward to it but still goes every 6 months.  I definitely used a dose of suck it up buttercup, face your fear and make that damn appointment.  Since I told the scheduler that I had a lump they scheduled me for a mammo, ultrasound and possible biopsy right away.  They could do all three things in a row at the same facility...pretty slick.  And turns out I needed all three and then another mammo right after the biopsy.  Yep, they jab you in the boob a few times, take a few chunks, leave a clip of metal and then send me for another mammogram.  That was Friday 10/24.  I was scheduled to run the Fall50 the next day with an awesome group of peeps.  I only ran four of the 50 miles, even though I wanted to run more, my teammates graciously picked up the slack.  I was feeling bad when Nicky reminded me that I would do the same for any of them and she was spot on with that.  It was an awesome day, took my mind off the wait.

Finally on Tuesday, I got the call.  It was my NP, Becky - who is awesome by the way.  She was definitely feeling the impact of the news when she was delivering it. I don't even remember if I called my mom or Ryan first.  They both knew I was stressed and anxiously awaiting the news.  Mom was working and carrying her phone with her every where.  She said after I told her before she went in to see each patient she had to tell herself to quit crying and take a deep breath.  And my mom doesn't cry.  Ryan left work and was sitting by me in about 30 minutes or less.  I sat on the couch with him and cried off and on for an hour, mostly on, and then we left to run a work errand and go out for lunch.  I sure did have a drink with lunch that day.  My head was spinning and I was waiting for another call to come from the breast surgeon's office.  They wanted to get me in there ASAP.  Everything was moving so quick...might have had a little something to do with the invasive term used in my diagnosis.

That Tuesday night, Meg and I came to DePere to hang out with Ryan, Taylor and Morgan.  I really just wanted to be with some of my favorite peeps!  We sure did go right to Dick's and load up on the breast cancer support gear at Dick's.  The first of what was more to come!  It helped all hanging out together, in a way took my mind off it and a kid's perspective is always welcome at a time like this.  

Fast forward to meeting with the breast surgeon the following Thursday.  She said a few times that we caught it early.  She walked through my options and said something about neo adjuvent chemo which is basically treat with chemo first and surgery second.  She wanted me to get an MRI, chest xray and blood work to see if the cancer had spread to my lungs, lymph nodes, other breast and liver.  That was another long few days to wait! The following Tuesday I had a battery of tests, she called me back end of day Wed and said everything looked good.  Finally some good news!!

Quick break in the action - the Saturday in between all this - Megan had her first few league basketball games.  I'm friends with most of the parents of the girls on the team so its always fun!  By then most of them knew of my diagnosis as did all their daughters.  I sure didn't want to keep it a secret, figured we could use all the moral support we could get.  And figured it'd be good for Megan just to have it out in the open.  So, first game that Saturday, a few minutes into the game and I notice every single one of the girls on Megan's team were wearing pink headbands and pink socks if they had them.  I took a few moments to choke back the tears before turning and asking Nicky if that was preplanned.  Turns out all the girls had talked about it at their last practice and all agreed it'd be pretty cool to wear pink.  Yes, pretty cool indeed.  Makes me almost want to tear up again just thinking about it.  

Back to the test results!  The MRI showed clear lymph nodes, but found another secondary tumor on the right side.  7mm in size, very small and on the same side that already had the tumor.  So, not horrible.  Surgeon wanted me to go get another clip placed in the tumor so that if I elected for a lumpectomy I could they could still be able to cut out that smaller section of tissue with the secondary tumor.  That would need to be done with either an ultrasound guided clip placement or an MRI guided clip placement.

So, that sums up oh about the first week after my diagnosis.  So many thoughts running through my head, mostly this is treatable, I'm gonna live even though I'm pretty scared about what the next year will bring!  Thank goodness I've spent some time in the last two years working out and just training for life, I'm gonna need that strength!  Mostly so very thankful for my family and the wonderful support system that has somehow assembled around me over the past few years.  It's been just over two weeks since diagnosis and much has changed as I've started to process.  Definitely more to come as I have the time and process my thoughts.  For now, I end with this - I am a lucky girl, breast cancer or not.

A new work family?

Holy cow, its been a while.  I guess its as simple as clicking the new post button?  Going to have to remember that.  I actually have a list of things in a note app on my phone that I want to discuss with myself via this forum.  Including my first triathlon!  And my second!  And my third this weekend!  Any my current lack of motivation to sign up for something else this fall!  See, LOTS to get through!

I was headed to bed early tonight, as in the same time Chad and Megan crawled in, but just not meant to be.  I tried crawling right in at 8:30.  Might have to wean myself off these 11pm nights a little more slowly than I thought.  I swear I get a surge of energy after they climb in bed.  Strange.

Anyway...I started a new job, um wow, 4 months ago already.  Time flies when I'm having fun?  About two months in I was having a freak out moment.  Things were going well, really well, and I was headed to a golf outing with some new coworkers that I hadn't yet met and a whole bunch of customers.  I put on my company golf shirt, clubs in the car and headed for The Bog in Saukville. 

About half way there I had a strange feeling.  And no, it wasn't attributed to all the sweating I knew I'd be doing golfing in the 95+ degree temps, around strangers no less.  I had recently left a company where I had and thankfully, still have, friends.  I worked there 10 years and did not take my decision to leave lightly, I was leaving my work fam.  Friends, mentors, running buddies, drinking buddies, people you can discuss bodily functions with buddies, you name it.  It wasn't so much the company that was hard to walk away from, it was the people. 

In my car on the way down it finally hit me that I had a different golf shirt on and was not going to be golfing with my work buddies who know I kinda suck at golf even though every once in a while I have a good hit.  Felt like I had lost my support system.  The people that accept me not being an awesome golfer.  Gone.  I had to make some new friends this day.  I called my dad on the way there to express my thoughts.  Was nice to be like hey..this is strange and exciting at the same time.  Most definitely an opportunity.

The guy that had a lot to do with pulling together the event is thought of as a legend in my work world.  I've heard that more than a few times since I've started the new gig.  I hadn't met him when he asked if I had anyone I wanted to be specifically paired up with.  Um yeah...my answer was to put me with a fun group.  This would be the first time I'd met him in person.  Turns out, he's a normal guy.  That works super hard, is super intelligent and has customers that respect, if not, love him.  Not unlike most others I've had the opportunity to work with. 

So, I pull up to the drive, find a parking spot, take a deep breath and head inside the clubhouse where there was to be a presentation before golf.  I walked in and found that I had met and knew more people than I thought.  Sweet!  I had worked with one guy right when I started and he was in town for the outing too so that was super cool.  Milk, you know who you are and you rock.  The majority of the customers and vendors that were there were people that I had met somewhere along the way over the past 10 years.  This IT world in Wisconsin?  Its a small world after all.

I think I knew more customers than I did the people from my new employer.  After the presentation, it was time for some golf.  My coworker/partner was Stan and we were paired up with two customers.  I didn't realize that for a shot gun start, everyone rolls out at once.  So, Stan and I were the very LAST people in our cart because I still had to put on my golf shoes and get my clubs in the cart.  Yep, awesome.  23 other carts waiting on us. 

Stan is pretty awesome.  He totally set me at ease and made me feel welcome.  After the first hole I quickly figured out that the customers were much better golfers than I would ever hope to be so I settled on not trying to impress anyone with my mad golf skillz (like I had a shot at that and yes that is a z) and set my focus on having fun and getting to know the peeps in my foursome.  Aside from sweating my arse off it was a fun 18 holes.  Made even more fun when we actually used my ball a few times and I did a cartwheel at a hole without falling on my face.  Mhmmm.  Cartwheel.  Hole 16 I think.  14 holes seems to be about my max.  After that all bets are off.

We rounded out the day with a some drinks and dinner.  Its a little intimidating looking at room full of people and picking a place to sit.  Well, maybe more of an opportunity.  Here I am with that opportunity word.  Totally.  Just had to embrace it.  I ended up sitting with a guy I hadn't met before, but had talked with on the phone and another guy that I had met years ago when I called on him a few times.  Turns one of the guys is a cyclist, rides a Trek Madone (me too!) lives in the area with his wife and does quite a few rides around the area.  Um cool!  And the other guy remembered me - or at least said he did - so good to know that even though I lost the business I was trying to get when I was calling on him - at least I formed some sort of bond.

Post dinner, customers started to head out so I was left with my new coworkers.  There were probably about 8 of us or so.  I was weighing in my head the value of staying later and getting to know my new coworkers or getting home at a decent hour.  Yes, I stayed and it was so worth it.  After about half hour I was like yep, these are my new peeps.  They are all pretty tight, but not once did I feel like an outsider.  I felt like I was included and already part of the crowd.  I started the day faced with a different sort of realization of what I walked away from and ended the day with the realization of what I had to gain.  New people to add to my work family?  I think yes. 

Running with my mom - a recap of Cellcom Green Bay Half Marathon

So apparently it takes running a half marathon with my mom to get me out of blogging hibernation.  I'm envious when I read other blogger's posts that are short, sweet and to the point.  And then I think why couldn't I just take 15 minutes and write something like that?  Um, because I don't feel like a natural writer and feel like its not worth it if I don't say EVERYTHING on my mind.  And it takes me like two hours to write anything.

On January 1 I was sitting at Barnes and Noble in Green Bay while Chad and Megan were at the Packer game.  I figured I'd be nice and drop them off and pick them up close to the stadium so Megan didn't have to walk a mile all bundled up.  Nice right?  Anyway, I sat and B&N and tried to plan out a running schedule for the first few months of the year.  I had just been registered by a friend for the Capital City Half Marathon in Columbus and was looking at the CGBM website.  Somehow I talked to my mom, I wish I could remember how the conversation went, but all I know is that we were both registered for the half marathon before I left B&N.  And I emailed her the half training plans I followed the year before.  No worries, we've got time.

And so I kept training.  And she trained.  I did Seroogy's 15K (painfully cold and hard), we both did the Point Bock 5 miler and kept training.  Somewhere along the way her knee started hurting.  We did an 8 miler together on vacation in Outer Banks.  We ended up running 5 and run/walking the rest.  No worries, its all about logging the miles.  Somewhere around mid March I was so sick of my training.  I was ready to get these two upcoming half marathons over with.  Its crazy, because it seems when I get to that point in training I always get sick of it.  Add to that a house remodel, vacation, considering a job change and its no wonder, I was probably feeling overwhelmed.  But then something happens that makes me enjoy it again.  A good run, a run with a friend, run with my mom, a run in the moonlight with a headlamp - whatevs, the important part is I start to enjoy running again along with the feeling of strength and peace that comes from it. 

Back to that knee...yes I was a little worried.  Wasn't my knee, but still I was worried.  I had decided Columbus would be my A race (cough, cough, another post, a 2:24 finish that felt harder than my 8 minute faster PR) and I would enjoy running Green Bay with my mom.  Unless she went and got super fast on me in which case I'd kill myself trying to keep up. 

Well, guess what?  We finished!  Together.  Our official time WAS on the race website with a time of 2:48:15 (mom) and 2:48:16 (me).  This is no doubt the most enjoyable half marathon I've ever completed.  Excessive heat included.  Turns out our times aren't official because we finished after the race organizers called the race due to heat and lack of emergency resources.  I'm still calling it good.  Sometime, I think on the way up to GB the morning of the run, she told me she wanted to finish in 3 hours or less.  I'm thinking, yeah, no problem, we are going for 2:45.  The girl with no plan had a goal, it was time to come up with the plan.  Which was run more than walk, walk through the water stops and no walking UP the hills. 

We were late jumping in the starting line because the lines for the johns were so long.  I didn't care, I really had to pee.  I didn't feel stressed at all, just excited and curious to see what it'd be like to do a half marathon and not try to go as hard as I could.  Oh - and be doing this with my mom.  How cool is that?  We needn't worry about starting 8 minutes after the gun went off, we jumped in line to cross the start and still had to wait.  No corrals, everyone just got in line and started shuffling. 

Our first mile was a 11:15 split, hey, not bad, if we keep this up we'll hit 2:30 no problem.  It was fun to see Myriah and fam during the first mile.  Our 5 mile split was 59:something.  Our 10 mile split was 2:05 something. I think it was somewhere between 5 and 6 miles that we saw the first few ambulances drive through the crowd.  One lady was running with headphones and as the ambulance came up behind her she almost jumped off the road.  It was kind of funny, although I'm sure took a bunch of energy out of her.  It still wasn't really hitting me that people were struggling that much.  Yeah, it was hot and I was sweaty (liquid awesome) but I was feeling good and mom seemed to be feeling alright too.  She was running through all the sprinklers and we really were mostly still running.  I knew we'd see two friendly faces of Tom and Mary Anne Quinn around mile 7 so I was really looking forward to that.  We stopped and Tom took a picture of us, pretty cool, I hope it turns out!  There was a hill leading up to that turn and I was like come on mom, let's run the hill, we can walk once we get to the top if we need to.  Lots of walkers at that point and I wasn't about to let the hill chew up some of that time.  She said she'd try and aside from the picture we sure made it.  About a mile later we come up on this young looking guy who asks me what mile we are at and how long we've been out there.  We started chatting with him (yeah, longer walk break than I anticipated) and found out that he's 25, works at Kohler, his dad was running and talked him into running too.  Except this dude said he hasn't trained.  At all.  I think he had on basketball shorts and a regular old cotton tshirt and all I was thinking was chaffage.

We soldiered on and not once did I think my mom was hurting that bad.  Every time I'd pick a new vantage point and say how about we run to here and then reevaluate, she was mostly game.  A few times she wasn't sure so we slowed down but kept running.  And I was feeling awesome.  Hot, but good.   So, this is how I can enjoy a half marathon and not be cursing life by mile 10.  We just pass mile 11 and some guy is yelling that the marathon course is shut down.  So I was thinking just the full marathon was shut down.  Then he says something about stopping at the next water stop and a bus will come pick you up and take you to the finish line.  Ha - right - did he really mean that when we were so close to the finish?  Not happening.  We kept on moving and by this time there were definitely more walkers than runners.  Mile 13 was our slowest at a 14:21 pace, but we kept moving and even had a little push to cross the finish line. 

How many people can say they ran a half marathon with their mom?  I can.  It's pretty cool and I'm really proud of both of us.  I've learned something different from each half marathon I've done and this one is no different.  It was super fun to encourage someone else to the finish - although I have NO doubt in my mind that she would have made it to the finish without me.  I was just hoping I wasn't annoying when I kept saying come on, next corner, we can make it. Silver car parked up there, we can make it.  Up that hill, we can make it.  SO close, who cares if the course is shut down and there are ambulance sirens wailing everywhere, we can make it.  I sometimes think I lack mental toughness, especially when it comes to running, but after Sunday - there's no way, I come by some genetically. 

Yay mom!  What's next for us?  A couple of years ago I started running again.  I've done ToughMudder with my dad and brother and a half marathon with my mom.  I know there's a finite amount of time we'll be able to do this kind of thing together and I am enjoying it while it lasts.  Also makes me realize how much I want to stay healthy and active so I'm able to enjoy these things with my kid someday. 

Peace.

Almost three months?

Boy, time flies. I still wonder what the heck I should/want to write about. Remember, newbie here. It appears its been almost 3 months since I've written anything on this thing. I'm trying to get back in the swing of things, mostly to document the jump into triathlon specific training. Is it really swing of things when I only have a handful of posts?

No Ironman events in this chick's future, but I do want to attempt a few sprint and an Olympic distance triathlon this summer. I've heard and read that multi sport athletes tend to not get as many overuse injuries, so that is a plus. I'd like to remain injury free. I'm also a data girl and want to have a plan that will help me feel confident to go out and give it a try. Lucky for me I found someone that can guide me along this path. An 11 time Ironman finisher who has lots of experience with multi sport training and a good view into my psyche. He tends to set the bar just above what I think I might be able to reach.

This week I get the news that I'll soon be aiming for 8 workouts a week. 3x bike, 3x run and 2x swim. Yeah, no problem. Ha. No doubt it will be a challenge but still attainable. And, important to note, that missed workouts are life so not to get over concerned for the misses. I think I pretty consistently hit 5x/week in a very unstructured format so more will be a challenge. The goal is to stay motivated and healthy so I'm on board with that. For the most part, Chad and Megan are on board too, that IS an important part of me feeling successful. Last summer I encouraged Megan to do a kid's triathlon, but she wasn't interested. Hopefully watching me try one will give her the courage and/or desire to try one too.

Max heart rate tests were the name of the game for this week. I was excited to give this a try...especially from a data perspective. Now I know better. Remember running the mile in middle school and feeling like you were going to puke? Or maybe you were one of the kids that did puke. I didn't, but I totally remember that feeling. Well, that's how it felt - on the bike and run. The cool thing was that I had some kick ass rest days before I had to do these things. During each, I only thought wtf am I doing once. Once! Not bad. Megan said I sounded like a grunting buffalo this morning on the bike, so much so that I woke her up 10 minutes early. I know I pretty much sounded like that when I was running too. Can just imagine what I must have looked like. Good thing it was in the middle of the afternoon on a cold and windy day so I had no witnesses. I was surprised by how long it took me to feel recovered for both the bike and run efforts. I was watching my HR drop and I was still feeling spent. A sign that it was an all out effort? I hope so.

I also hit the pool today with the aquatics director at the Y. Good news is she said I have a solid, strong stroke. Bad news, well not much. Turns out I'm more of a straight arm crawler than a bent arm crawler so she talked through the mechanics and why I could tire quicker with the straight arm stroke. Makes sense and will give me something to think about next time I hit the pool. Who knows, with an open water swim it might all just go out the window and become oh shit, I'll do whatever I need to do to keep my head above water and not feel like I'm drowning.

All this said, certainly I really am overthinking all this stuff, but feeling prepared is half the battle for me. I guess its good to know that about myself, eh? My goal is to train hard and have fun. Solid.

pja